Meeting Mayer Featuring Kelsey Cook

John Mayer’s body may be a wonderland, but meeting him certainly was not…

Let me back up. First, meet Kelsey Cook. Kelsey is the daughter of an International Yo-Yo Champion and a Professional Foosball player. Yes, those are real things. She’s also an up-and-coming comedian and Youtube make-up guru that is based in the beautiful city of Los Angeles. You’ve probably seen Kelsey doing stand up on one of the numerous television shows like FOX TV’s Laughs, Uproarious on FUSE, or Live at Gotham. Right now, she is the opening act for veteran comedian Jim Norton across the US on his “Mouthful Of Shame” tour. 

While on tour with Norton, Kelsey found herself at a swanky Hollywood after-party packed with celebrities and comedians. You name it, they were there. Louie Anderson, Bob Saget, Jeff Ross, Gilbert Godfrey, Melissa Rivers — a veritable “who’s who” of the comedy roasting community. But Kelsey’s no stranger to schmoozing with marquee names. But while making the rounds, she saw someone who had the power to stop her in her tracks. Squeezed into a corner booth surrounded by professionally funny people was the man, the myth, the legend, and Kelsey’s ultimate fantasy, John Mayer. 

Implying that Kelsey is a “fan” of John Mayer’s work would be the understatement of the year. It would be like saying that the Cookie Monster has a bit of a sweet tooth. Kelsey has been hooked on Mayer’s mellow drama lyrics and boyish good looks since his debut album,”Room for Squares.”

“John Mayer is one of those artist who every album they put out, it like correlated to a break up in your life. Ya know, you listen to the lyrics like - ‘This is about me, ME and TIM!!’ - Tears streaming down your face.”

Bob Saget took it upon himself to introduce her, but her first impression was less than stunning. She lost all ability to speak.

“Oh F#*k,” she muttered out loud in front of the star-studded table. In front of her idol. By now, we have all seen the mannequin challenge, right? So, picture a room full of celebrities doing that, parallel to you meeting one of your idols and all time crushes. Yeah, brutal. 

On top of all that embarrassment, Kelsey did not plan to meet John Mayer that night. There was no warning given. Just, WAM! John Mayer!

“I was wearing like, mom jeans. I was greasy and I had been traveling all day. I was wearing, like ALL denim. I looked like Kate Gosselin.”

The night went on, drinks were had. Stories were shared, and Kelsey returned to her hotel room later, where her brain then began to head into overdrive. She couldn’t shake the thought of what just happened. Then she realized that all of those after party guests were not only staying at the same hotel, but They were all staying on the same floor as well. That’s when her she went into full on fangirl mode. She started playing out fantasies from the comfort of her own bed. 

“What if I put a dress on and go back downstairs? I could fix my make up and go down for a drink. I wonder if he’s still awake? Maybe I’ll roam the halls for a bit until he comes up to his room…”

The next morning Kelsey and Jim finish breakfast but Kelsey didn’t want to leave just yet. She was determined to get another shot at meeting Mayer. Jim understands. He himself is a sucker for meeting idols. So they waited around… Kelsey frantically watching the entrance to the restaurant ...and waited a little longer… Kelsey pacing past the restrooms and buffet lines, just in case...and a little longer, until finally Jim suggests they check the outside on the patio area.

They headed out to the crowded patio, glazed over the room for an open seat. Defeated, they came back inside. The entire patio trip last maybe lasted two minutes, tops. When they came back inside, Jim ran into a friend from the night before and he tells him that they are on high alert for Mayer. Without missing a beat, his friends informs them that they just missed him. His whole crew had literally just rushed out and got on his tour bus. Mayer had officially left the building. 

Kelsey fell to pieces. 

She slowly slid her sunglasses down over her eyes as tears began to stream down her face. She was heartbroken. Jim doesn’t hesitate, he began to comfort her, but the comfort he was providing gave Kelsey the feeling of permission to really let loose instead of sobering up. 

“Out of nowhere I have tears coming up that were buried so deep, feelings were like coming up from unsolved issues with my parent’s divorce. I was pouring snot, and tears and everything else into Jim’s shoulder. It’s a miracle that we are still friends.”

Kelsey has still never got another shot at meeting Mayer… and maybe she never will. 

Life doesn’t owe any of us anything. It doesn’t matter how much you want something to happen, it doesn’t guarantee that it will. However, I felt bad for Kelsey. I wanted to help. So I asked her to write a missed connection for Mr. Mayer in hopes that maybe he would read it, and give her a second shot at introducing herself. The way she always dreamed it would happen. Less denim, and more conversation. Enjoy. 

Dear Brown Eyes Big D***, 

We met briefly. I was dressed like Kate Gosselin, and I just want you to know… I think your body is a wonderland.

Forever Yours,

Soccer Mom

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